by Apolliya Lebedeva
I want to be femininity herself.
I wear the skirts from the stories on my shelf,
I want to be the princess, the queen and the goddess,
Be kind, fierce , extravagant and selfless.
I want to give birth to amazing creations.
I wish my whole world would be as fierce as my obsessions.
I desire to be too much in the best of ways,
For you to smell my lavender miles away.
But turns out I am femininity herself.
My opinions are words that I just can’t get out,
Like my heart is bursting with hopes never to be said out loud,
Leaving me to never explain this firing rage in myself.
And I shall always be femininity herself;
Cry so very loud that you are scared to help.
I’m as shiny as glitter and as bitter as ash.
I shall receive your anger, so mine can’t be found.
And I wish I was perfect, perfect for you.
But you’ll always see me as the second to your rule.
Oh I would have taken your useless crown
But someone like me can’t be loved by a man!
Because I am femininity herself.
And in your world, your words overpower my feelings,
Always second choice to your beliefs , not my meanings.
And you never present, you watch over, as God.
You’re in my head whispering all the words I was taught.
Because you are not guilty but neither am I,
I’m trapped in me being victim, and forever cry!
Oh yes I am femininity herself.
I am passive and stupid, agreeing to all,
With thoughts in my head that can’t be thought at all!
How could I explain what hides behind my lips,
My handicap is your curse for me never to speak.
You knew I would want to be femininity herself,
And you did every single thing to help
To destroy the beauty of the ocean of emotions,
By making us compete for your beauty potions,
Only just for you to tell me that it’s stupid
To love what I love and feel what I feel ,
That I am second sort, but your love, it is clean.
But your love, it is tainted by the saliva that came
From my mouth willing to speak, but that failed.
So I stupidly screamed and cried it all out,
Now after all, you can’t think I am smart.
You didn’t create femininity herself,
You were taught that it’s me and that I am to hate,
So I guess I can’t blame you. But how can I love
In you something so cruel embedded into our souls;
That I will always be femininity, her,
Something you’ll never feel, someone you’ll never know.