By Faith Guilford
Most elements of being a teacher one can predict before entering the profession. Lesson planning, marking, reports parents evenings etc. There are however a number of elements of the job that came as a complete surprise. So to all considering training as a teacher, what follows are all genuine classroom interactions, picked up over 9 years teaching in London comprehensives. You have been warned:
The requirement to learn a new language
“Yo roadman, Big Man Ting we’ve got beef. You mirked me off in dat longting whatsapp. Mandem gonna shank you up”
Questions, Questions and more Questions
... Student: “So Miss, when did the world stop being black and white and become colour?”
... After watching an excerpt from Disney’s Robin Hood:
Students: “So Miss, was King John actually a Lion?”
... Student: “Miss, do pigs lay eggs?"
... Student: “Miss, I’ve been looking up stuff for my coursework and I’ve found the English First World War and the American First World War. Which one was it?”
... Student: “Miss, do cows pee out of their udders?”
... Student: “Miss, how did the virgin Mary know she was pregnant?”
Teacher: "Well, her periods would have stopped."
Student: “Oh, did they have periods in those days?”
The astounding cheek of 14 year old boys
... Teacher: “Where is your homework?
Student: "At home."
Learning support teacher: “What use is it at home? Does Miss live at you home?”
Student: “Not yet!”
... Students: “Miss, how old are you?”
24 year old teacher responds in jest: "56"
Student responds, thinking seriously: “Hmmm. Well I wouldn’t have guessed quite that old, but …yes”
Student, on entering a lesson: “So Miss yeah, wanna go Nando’s wi me?"
And for those interested in teaching History…
In response to the question ‘As Hitler’s propaganda chiefs, how would you respond to the Death of president Hindenburg?’
Student - “Steal his wife”
Student: “Look Miss, I’ve found an actual photograph of Henry VIII”
Teacher: “What is a civil war?
Student: “Isn’t that when people are all polite?”
Teacher: “What methods were used to transport supplies to the troops at the battle of Agincourt?”